Way Back Home
by Meg0613
Summary: Using the songs of Jennifer Nettles album Playing With Fire to explore Sharon's past with Jack and her future with Andy.
1. Chapter 1

Way Back Home

Using the songs of Jennifer Nettles album Playing With Fire to explore Sharon's past with Jack and her future with Andy.

Chapter One Unlove You

Loving Jack was like being consumed by fire and drowning all at the same time. It had been since she was twenty five years old.

This time it was going to be different she swore to herself. When he showed up a month ago his eyes shining, well-groomed and with a job, she told herself she would just let him sleep on the couch for a couple of nights until he found a place of his own. She wasn't going to fall for his tricks or his charms again. If he wanted to be a part of the kids' lives that was fine but she was done with him. The problem was she had always underestimated the power he held over her.

Emily had gotten sick at school one day. Sharon was still new to IAB and they were in the middle of investigating an officer involved shooting. There was a lot of pressure to get it resolved as quickly as possible leaving the office early was not an option. Out of desperation she called Jack at his new office, without hesitating he went to pick her up.

It was well into the night before Sharon made it home. Jack had gotten Emily to the pediatrician, picked up the prescription for her strep throat, helped Ricky with his homework and gotten both kids to bed.

"The kids wanted breakfast dinner and there's some leftovers I could heat up for you." He told her when she walked in at almost midnight.

She smiled at him gratitude swelling up inside her. "Thank you Jack, for everything." She told him.

"No problem, Shar, I'm glad to do it. I mean what I've been saying I want to be a part of things, I want to do my job. Anyways, I wanted to let you know I've found a place that I can move into at the end of the week." He told her.

Sharon looked at him in surprise and before she could stop herself she heard herself saying, "Stay Jack, stay with us, let's be the family we always said that we wanted."

Jack crossed the living room and placed his hands on her face, "I love you Sharon and that is all I want, the chance to be a family again."

It was Sharon who pressed her lip against, it was Sharon who took his hand and led him to her bed that night, even though deep inside she knew the truth. She knew it wouldn't last, she knew it would end the same way that it always did, but in that moment her desire and need for him was just too great. She knew she wouldn't have him forever but she was willing to take him for now.

Three months later he was gone, along with all of the money she had managed to save over the years. He had been let go from the firm he was working for because he showed up to a deposition hungover after a night of gambling and drinking. The kids were devastated and Sharon was ashamed. She was ashamed because she knew she still loved him. She was in love with a man who loved booze and cards more than he could ever love her. She was ashamed because no matter how hard she tried she could not unlove him. She could not forget what it felt like to be loved by him, but she also knew that love wasn't enough anymore. She wasn't twenty five anymore, she had no time to be consumed by fire and she was already drowning in responsibilities. She had the legal separation drawn up as protection against herself as much as protection against Jack. She found a way to lock up her heart in a way that it could no longer be touched, by Jack or anyone else.

 **TBC**

I could break down and cry

Laugh it off and deny

Draw lines in the sand

And count on both hands

All the reasons why

This just won't work

It'll be nothing but hurt

I can swear that I don't

And maybe one day I won't

But for how hard I've tried

I can't unlove you

My heart can't unbreak

I can't unfeel how it felt

But feel so much myself

My whole body ached

And I can't unknow this

Lord, I wish I knew how

But I can't unlove you

So come love me for now

If I were 25

I know just what I'd do

I would have already kissed

Till I was drunk on your lips

A thousand times too few

But we have other lives

And we know it ain't right

This is going nowhere

If I'm with you I don't care, Take me nowhere tonight

They call it fire

But it feels just like drowning

Well the weight of my burning desire

Closing in all around me

Jennifer Nettles


	2. Chapter 2 Salvation Works

Way Back Home

Chapter 2 Salvation Works

She's a woman on a mission, always in the church

If you need a ride into town, her offer is the first

Yeah she thinks that if she's perfect, she can outrun all the hurt

But that ain't how salvation works

That steeple still needs paintin', they're out there cuttin' grass

There's a two line Sunday sermon, she'll miss 'cause she drives too fast

And the message on the marquee, reflected in the glass

Is every sinner has a future and every saint has a past

He's a man with a memory that turned into a curse

Keeps every bottle empty until he's numbed down to the nerve

He thinks that forgiveness is reserved for soles like hers

But that ain't how salvation works

That steeple still needs paintin', they're out there cuttin' grass

There's a two line Sunday sermon, she'll miss 'cause she drives too fast

And the message on the marquee, reflected in the glass

Is every sinner has a future and every saint has a past

I can quote the bible, the chapter or the verse

And heavens just a promise for those left here on Earth

But I believe that God loves us more then we deserve

And I hope that's how

Yeah, I hope that's how

I hope that's how salvation works

Salvation works

Oh, I hope that's how

I hope that's how

Jennifer Nettles

Set during The Closer episode Old Money

Sharon could see the anger in his eyes and still hear the slamming of the conference room door when she got home later that night. She poured herself a glass of wine and sat down on the couch leaning back clutching a pillow as was her habit when it all felt overwhelming. The look in his eyes tonight was one that she knew all too well, he hated her. One more to add to the club she thought. Rulebook Raydor, Darth Raydor, The Wicked Witch, she knew all the names they called her, even the ones that were worse than those. Hell, Jack had called her worse than those many times.

It was all right though, she was good at her job and contrary to what people thought she did have a life outside of IAB. True for many years her life had been a constant juggling act of her career and her children, but now that they were grown and out of the house she had begun to fill her life with other things. She had dinner with friends occasionally and she was very involved with the church and the school that her children had attended.

Alone in her condo that night she knew the truth even if she wouldn't admit it to herself, she kept herself busy so that she didn't have to feel the pain of being alone. So that she didn't have to think about the closet full of suits that hung in the guest room or the man that they belonged to. If she thought about Jack then she would have to think about moving on one day and that scared her too much.

She had almost lost herself because of love and she had held tight to her commitment to never let that happen again. She followed the rules, she helped others, and she kept thoughts of love far away. Sometimes though she wondered what it would be to have the eyes of a man look at her with love instead of hate and for just a minute she thought about the dark brown eyes of the passionate Lieutenant she had dealt with today.

SHANDYSHANDYSHANDYSHANDY

" _Most officer's packages look like this," She said holding up the thin folder, "yours Lieutenant is huge, crammed with accusations."_

Andy could hear her words in his head over and over again as he pulled into the church parking lot. The meeting tonight wasn't his usual one but since being told to leave earlier today he knew he needed a meeting.

The truth was her voice wasn't the only one he was hearing. It was all the voices. The ones who told him that sobriety would never last. The ones that it didn't matter how long he stayed sober that he would never make up for the damage that he did while he was drinking.

Sometimes when the voices were quiet he would allow himself to dream about a future. A future with someone who loved him and believed in him. A future with a home, a family, maybe grandkids one day. He threw away his first shot at that dream but on the good days he thought maybe ho could have a second chance. Then there were days like today when he was reminded of who he really is, an alcoholic, hot headed cop, with a questionable reputation. He could make all the amends he wanted but there was only so much salvation for someone like him.

He shook his head trying to clear his thoughts and hurried into the church before the meeting started. He was surprised when he got in to find the room empty except a Priest he knew from around the church.

"Excuse me Father Michael, did I miss the AA meeting?" Andy asked.

"Hi, Andy, no you are early, Tuesday night meetings don't start for another hour." Father Michael told him.

"Oh, all right then, I guess I will come back." He said as he turned to leave.

The priest sensed something was wrong, "Andy, is there something that I can help you with before then?"

"No, I don't want to bother you…" He started to say but then asked, "Father, do you really believe that we can get second chances? Do you think if we mess up badly that God or the universe will give us another chance if we work hard enough, if we do the right things? If we prove we are worth it?"

The priest motioned for Andy to sit next to him, "Andy that's now how salvation works." He started and quickly noticed Andy's disappointed face, "No, what I mean Andy is that it's not about doing all the right things. Yes, it's important as you know to make amends and to learn from your past but that's not all there is."

"So what else is there?" Andy asked.

"Grace, Andy, there is grace. Scripture and life experience both tell me that God's grace goes beyond what we do or what we deserve. Andy, what is it you think you don't have a chance for?"

"I want to be known as more than Andy, the recovering alcoholic hot headed cop. I want a chance to make things right with my family and maybe have a relationship one day with someone who looks at me and sees more than those things. A relationship with someone special, someone like.." He stopped himself.

"Someone like who?" Father Michael asked him

Andy shook his head, "Nobody really, it's just there's this woman at work, she's so smart and together, and sometimes I think she sees me as more than those things but then today it was obvious that she doesn't. Of course she knows my type all too well so I'm not sure why I would even think she would see past those things."

"Does she know how you feel about her?"

"Oh no it's not like that Father, I don't feel anything for her, I just mean it would be nice if someone like her could think something of me." Andy explained quickly obliviously flustered.

Father Michael smiled, "Well Andy, if you do ever find someone like her you shouldn't let who you were keep you from who you might become, and remember grace is a pretty powerful thing."

"Thank you Father." Andy said as he stood up to greet some people he knew coming in for the meeting.

As he slept that night the dream came to him. He was standing in a yard with a pool, his children were there and grown, with children of their own. Everyone was laughing and talking. As he was talking to his daughter he looked down quickly to notice a wedding ring on his finger. Before he had time to wonder who he was married to he felt a hand on his shoulder and a soft voice saying, "Andy, Honey could you help me bring out the food."

"Of course, My Dear." He said as he turned and placed a soft kiss on the woman's lips.

Andy woke quickly and straight up in bed the vision of Sharon Raydor's face fresh from his dream burning an image in his mind.

TBC


	3. Chapter 3 Starting Over

Way Back Home

Chapter 3 Staring Over

21 days can be a long time

I thought the worst of it was over

Thought I was doing fine

So when my friends called, I didn't stop to think

I grabbed my coat, I grabbed my keys

I said it's just a drink, but I was wrong

Here I am and there you are

I'm a second seemed to stretch

And in this breath that I can't catch

I lose my heart as you lean in

Just like that, you set me back where I begin

Starting over, getting over you, again

I haven't called you, I haven't even wanted to

And when I heard that you went out, I never asked with whom

It's like you always know, you see right through me

And when I'm done with you, you find me and undo me every time

Here I am and there you are

I'm a second seemed to stretch

And in this breath that I can't catch

I lose my heart as you lean in

Just like that, you set me back where I begin

Starting over, getting over you

Oh, let me love you or let me go

How I can do this I don't know

Just when I think I'm really through

And when I think I'm over you

Here I am and there you are

I'm a second seemed to stretch

And in this breath that I can't catch

I lose my heart as you lean in

Just like that, you set me back where I begin

Starting over, getting over you, again

I never be over, getting over you, again, again

Jennifer Nettles

Set after the "Jack episode" of season 2

The note had been sitting on the coffee table just like every other time. Rusty was out with Provenza and Buzz she slowly drank her wine and hugged her pillow. Is this how that had started? Had it started when he left her alone with two babies and barely enough money to put food in their mouths? Or had it started before that, all the nights she spent up wondering if he would make it home? Whenever it had started she had promised herself never again and yet her she was, alone on a couch with another note full of lies and excuses. This time with another child to explain things to, one who had experienced far too much disappointment from adults already in his life.

Over the next few weeks life began to return to normal. She and Rusty found their way back to the routine and comfort they had established before Jack had interrupted their lives. At work things were better than before Jack came. Somehow learning just how big of an ass Jack was seemed to cause her team to rally around her even more.

On Friday night three weeks after Jack had left Sharon was finishing up her paperwork when Rusty texted he was going to Kris's house for dinner, as Andy knocked on her office door.

"Here Captain, everyone's reports are done." He said as he put the reports on her desk.

"Thank you Andy." She said with a faint smile.

Andy couldn't help but notice she still seemed off, "So you and the Kid have big plans for tonight?"

Sharon shook her head, "No he's having dinner with Kris."

"Well we are all going to grab a bite, maybe watch the Dodgers game, you should come with us." He suggested nervously.

"Come where with whom?" Andrea said as she walked into Sharon's office.

"Oh, I was just telling the Captain we were all going to grab a bite to eat and watch a little bit of the game. You're welcome to come to Hobbs." Andy offered.

"We'd love to." Andrea answered before Sharon could speak.

"Great, Rudy's in an hour then." He said offering Sharon a smile before leaving.

ShandyShandyShandyShandy

An hour later Sharon had slipped off her jacket and was sitting with the rest of her team at Rudy's. She was about to order herself a glass of wine when Andrea stopped her.

"Sharon wine and baseball don't go together. She'll take a Shandy." She'll told the waitress.

"What did you just order me?" Sharon asked with a laugh.

"A Shandy, Captain." Julio spoke up showing her his bottle, "It's a kind of beer, a good one."

Sharon nodded and settled back into her chair and listened to the exchanges among her team. She had to admit it was nice to be out with them. Since Rusty had come to live with her she had gone out very little. She didn't say much just enjoyed their company. At one point Andy must have noticed she was quite because he casually placed his hand on the back of her chair and leaned closer to her.

"Are you having a good time?" He asked her quietly

Sharon turned and her eyes meeting the dark brown ones she had watched for all of these years. She smiled when she saw the sincerity in them,

"I am, thank you for asking me to come." She said keeping their eye contact a little longer than maybe she should have because suddenly the bar felt much warmer.

Then suddenly it wasn't warm at all anymore and Sharon felt the air being sucked out of the moment she had just found herself in. Andy noticed the change in her and quickly looked around trying to determine what had happened. It did not take him long to find the answer, Jack. He had just walked into the bar with a woman on his arm, a woman who was half his age at best.

"I thought he had left town." Sharon said in a voice the carried vulnerability Andy hadn't heard before.

"Do you want to leave? I know you rode with Andrea, I can take your car." Andy asked not moving his hand from the back of her chair.

Sharon shook her head and Andy recognized the look that took over her previously vulnerable face. The woman who was relaxed and enjoying herself a few minutes ago was gone and the guarded captain in her suit of armor was back.

"No, I'm fine. Let's just watch the game." She said shifting in her chair away from Andy and the moment they had been sharing.

Sharon didn't hear another word her group said, she had no idea what was happening with the game. The only thing she could hear in the crowded bar was Jack's voice. It carried directly to her ears over every other sound. He was flirting with the girl he was with, telling stories and jokes the same style he had used thirty years ago. When she could no longer take it she quietly grabbed her purse and jacket hoping to quietly slip out and catch a cab back to her car. It was then that Jack spotted her and followed her to the door.

"So are you not even going to say hello?" He asked with his signature smile.

"Hello and good bye Jack." She said turning to leave when she felt him grab her elbow.

"Don't touch me Jack, go back to your date." She said firmly.

"You know I will always come back to you Sharon and I always know that you are waiting for me." He whispered in a low voice before letting go of her arm and walking away.

"Not this time Jack, not anymore." She said quietly as she watched him walk away.

She glanced back at her team laughing and joking. Andy looked back at her from where he had been talking with Tao and Provenza and smiled at her she smiled back at him before turning to leave.

She decided she would walk the few blocks back to the PAB and try to clear her head. She got about half a block down when she heard Andy come up behind her, "Captain, Captain.." he called out a few times and she pretended not to hear him, until finally she heard him call out, "Sharon wait."

He had never called her by her first name and it literally stopped her in her tracks. "Andy, I'm fine, please go enjoy the rest of your evening."

He walked up to her and smiled at her, "I'm sure you are. I just thought maybe you could use a friend."

"Friend?" She questioned him.

"Yes, I think we could be friends, if you want to be." Andy said with a shrug, his eyes showing that same sincerity they had earlier.

Sharon smiled at him, "Maybe we could Andy, tonight though I need to be by myself and figure out how to start over again."

Andy reached out a placed a hand on her shoulder, "Ok, just know I'm here if you need me."

ShandyShandyShandyShandyShandy

The next case that came to them was one of the most difficult they had seen. The young swimmer who had hidden such a horrible secret all those years. The pain that the he locked away that had destroyed his life. While they worked the case Sharon kept an eye on Andy as he was working through his issues with his daughter's wedding. She could see he was hurting and kept thinking about his offer of friendship.

She had asked him to stop by her office before he left for the day. She smiled at when he told her he was going to the wedding then she took a breath before she said the next words.

"Could you use a buffer?"

"How would I introduce you?"

"How about as your friend Sharon." She said deliberately letting him know she was accepting his offer of friendship. She couldn't help but smile at how he suddenly seemed so nervous.

A few hours later as she checked her reflection in the mirror one last time as she heard the doorbell ring. As she went to open the door she wondered if this was what really starting over felt like.

TBC


End file.
